- Last seen on Sep 15 11:54 AM. Member since August 25.
- I am a 49 year old person
- I have 2 comments
My other items
1 - 3 of 25
Show all
Guest Book
Comments
1 - 2 of 2
-
-
on Torn Stockings by Windhover, on August 25
Hmmm...
I’m not sure what to say in this critique. If I just say that it didn’t work for me, that carries no weight without explaining why. It’s just a lot of little things that all add up to an overall impression. This is a serious picture (short skirt, lots of leg, switchblade cutting holes in stockings, high heels—a stiletto in stilettos as it were), but you never do more than play with it superficially. When you finally start to delve into it, you switch to rhyme and that defuse the situation. Why do that? The point of view that you take in this narrative doesn’t lend itself to the reader engaging. You are an observer and not a participant and, so, neither is the reader. You tell, not show. You jump to erroneous conclusions and try to make the reader buy in. The image shows her cutting the holes. A “whore”, as it were, would wear torn stockings because they are worn out (as is she) and she can’t afford new—not make her own holes. Granted, you are trying to tell a story and could be taking artistic license, but your ending tells us that you know what is happening in the picture. You have a great ending. The idea of cutting notches in the stockings fits in well with the image, but the line before it doesn’t help that transition. Repeating the “torn stockings” there detracts from the impact of the last line—it appears as a set-up…you are broadcasting what is coming and spoiling the ending. You throw in a few expletives (apparently for shock value) and that doesn’t work. Why? There are good things in this (like the ending as mentioned above). I also liked the repeated “and you like that”, though it would be better served set off in brackets as an aside. Technically, the poem was fine. No typos that I found and the spelling & grammar were fine. Anyway, I hope these ramblings make some sense to you and that this helped!
Odd start...
I like the feel of this poem. It has an odd start though--like it picks up in the middle of something. Given the title, is it part of a linked series? (That would explain it.) You have a typo in the second to last line. You want "commingle" there. The structure makes it a little difficult to read, but that might be due to the broken start setting an broken pace. Even so, it has some good imagry. Hope this helps.... Rewarded 8